small-batch brown butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

the flowers that bloom in the fall are a lot like me

Sep 23, 2024

i’ve always wanted to know what the heck is wrong with me and what my problem is.

i never understood why i had to be so different.

i remember, as most people do, feeling out of place in school and with my friends, especially physically. i was black, so i was immediately undesirable, my hair would never be long and effortlessly flowing. i had buck-teeth, big lips and an overbite, and a thigh gap was completely out of the question. i was quiet, yet too loud when i felt comfortable and excited around people, was the friend who got abandoned when someone better came around, and my feelings towards the rejection i experienced were the fault of myself and not the people who left me.

i was still a kid at heart, despite everyone else growing up and getting prettier and being interested in boys, hollister, and makeup. i was short but not petite enough, fit but never skinny, and enjoyed wearing the same unfashionable and baggy sweatpants everyday despite having more options in my closet.

i came to realize pretty quickly that i didn’t have a place amongst my peers, and preferred to be alone. and so i was, for a long time. the people who were my best friends at some point had all new ones, and we walked past each other in the hall as strangers. i went unnoticed, and i would be in spaces where people congregated yet completely invisible. i enjoyed it, though, to some degree— the loneliness. i was my own friend, and i sort of liked myself.

i stopped caring about what people thought of me, because i knew nobody was paying attention. or cared. my mom moved us, and i went quietly. no one noticed, and no one missed me. i was the unwanted brown crayon in a box of vibrant greens, yellows and blues.

i was in a new place, and a new school, content on being alone. i didn’t feel the need to have friends my own age, and became close with many teachers and the librarians at my new school. i was quiet, and that’s what people began to like about me. i wasn’t the best at school, but i at least tried. they liked that, too.

all the things i would get made fun of for in the past, like getting dum-dums thrown at my head for using a coupon at the store after school, or thrifting a dress that reminded me of rebecca pearson from this is us that i was really excited about, to be called granny all day at school— were appreciated and admired by the new adults in my life. i was told i was special, mature for my age and had a bright future.

i even got these cute brown boots that looked just like hers from the show and i was SO PROUD of them

i found companionship in the library, amongst its staff and the bound pages on the shelves. i found peace in my timidness, which made conversations quick and short. i didn’t feel obligated to talk to anyone, and anyone that approached me was disturbing my peace. i found happiness in eating the same lunch everyday by myself, following the rules and sitting next to my teachers behind their desks in their free periods. i found support in unexpected places, and i realized more people cared for me than i thought.

my silence wasn’t strange, it was respected. and though quiet, i was noticed and missed in the places i thought i wouldn’t be; because i never had been.

the things i got made fun of for doing and enjoying became popular and trending, and i felt short-changed. it was suddenly cool to be like me, when i was shown otherwise.

my quietness turned into mystery to others as i got older, and i became someone with unlikely friends as people began to gravitate towards me. at seventeen, i was well-spoken— insecure in my body, but not in my identity. i knew who i was and was in too deep to change it for anyone.

i stopped caring what people thought of me so long as i was being myself, but the moment i tried to “fit in” i lost my magic. i lost the spark that made me so special, and i’d quickly come back to myself.

i thrive in the colder months, because they amplify the things i enjoy most about myself: cozy clothes and big sweaters, rain, books and string lights, slow days and long evenings. my seasonal depression begins when summer kicks in. i love the cold air nipping at my ears and cheeks when i walk outside. the leaves, once cohesive, vibrant and green when alive all become unique in their own ways as they change to an array of different colors as they die off the trees.

i am autumn and i am winter.

i am happily a brown hidden amongst a bushel of green.

i am the seed that is hidden in the spring when the bees are plentiful and abundant.

i am the roots that are growing stronger under the surface in the summer.

i am the bud that pushes through the death of the plants around me in the fall.

i am the flower that blooms in the off season; a brief window that shows my deep mauves and purples and browns.

the beginning of this post was kind of emotional, but you guys tend to like that about me i think, so i won’t apologize for it. it’s kind of funny how this is yet another emotional cookie post. i wanted to do a small batch, because these days when i bake it’s mostly for myself and i don’t have many people to share with. also, i just wanted a few cookies and not a whole batch, so this is a half batch! sometimes you just want a little sweet treat but not have too too much leftover, and sometimes you’re just low on ingredients.

these cookies are the perfect combination of chewy and slightly thick and cakier for me, and i’m not a huge fan of cakier cookies. they use browned butter, obvs, and remind me a little bit of the chick-fil-a cookies. just a little bit. i don’t know what else to really write about them, they’re cookies— i hope you guys enjoy, though! :-)

the recipe makes about 10 cookies with a #24 scoop but i burnt 4 of them :D

in other news, i’m almost done with chapter two of my novel and really would love to share the completed chapters and stuff in regards to my writing on here but i don’t want you guys to feel like i’m constantly shoving it down your throats, so let me know if you’d be interested in reading more!! i’m just having a lot of fun writing and building my story and my characters, so… i have decided to share chapter one :-) SORRY IF THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU CAME HERE FOR LOL. i feel bad but i just don’t have many people in my life to talk to about or share this kind of stuff with. i don’t have an official synopsis or blurb done, and i’m just sort of writing where and however the wind takes me. but it’s about family, love and baking.

here’s chapter one!

Love & Custard Draft

19.2MB ∙ PDF file

Download

it’s not 100% edited and stuff so ignore any grammatical errors and run on sentences, etc, etc. but, i hope you enjoy if you do decide to read it. it means a lot to me to share myself and i feel nervous putting my writing out there but i also feel a little excited.

make you can have a cookie and read it, too. 🍪♥️

small-batch browned butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

57 g (1 stick) butter, browned to stage d
165 g all purpose flour
1/4 tsp baking soda
95 g brown sugar
55 g granulated sugar
50 g old fashioned oats
1 egg
4-6 oz semi sweet chocolate

preheat oven to 350F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper, set aside.
on medium heat, brown the butter until the milk solids separate and the mixture becomes darker (stage d) and slightly foamy. immediately remove from heat and pour into a small heatproof bowl and allow to cool slightly (we want it to still be liquid, just not ripping hot).
combine both sugars, salt and browned butter and whisk until combined, adding in the egg and whisking until thick, smooth and glossy.
using a rubber spatula, fold in flour, baking soda, oats and chocolate.
portion cookies into balls and space them evenly on prepared baking sheet. this recipe makes about 10 cookies with a #24 cookie scoop.
bake at 350F for 10-12 minutes or until the edges have browned slightly.
allow to cool on a wire rack before enjoying!