pumpkin caramel s’mores cookies
crying and getting some things off my heart (therapy, loss, social media, etc)
i’m the kind of person who needs to have everything 100% in place before i even allow myself to start. a lot of people in my life have said i’m very much “all or nothing” — i have a will and drive to accomplish things, but the moment i feel as if i’m not good enough, or i can’t handle a situation, i force myself to walk away, as if the smallest and most minor inconvenience completely negates all the miles i had previously traveled. why walk when you can run? and if you can’t run, why try to walk at all?
i guess i feel that sometimes, my best in the moment, in comparison to everyone else’s, is just pathetic, so what’s the point of continuing on if i can’t keep up with all the people i’ve seen online and in my real life? i will admit, that ideal looming over my head has definitely dissipated the longer i’ve stayed off of the big social medias (i’m mostly just on substack, youtube (but i limit the shorts because 90% of them are just recycled content from the platforms i try to avoid) and occasionally pinterest) but the impression that it has left on me has kind of scarred me in a way. that’s why i don’t mind, and actually enjoy seeing people on substack talk about how happy they are to have found it, how notes is a polite and well-mannered twitter, and how they realize that the real world doesn’t function like instagram. i know some people hate seeing these all the time, but i really love it. in a way, it gives me comfort in reminding me that i’m not the only person who’s been social media scarred and is currently in recovery from comparison-fatigue and toxic-itis.
recently, i left my therapist. she wasn’t a bad therapist, or a bad person, but it just… didn’t seem to suit me the way i thought it would. the way it has in the past.
oh, whew, let’s get deep on a cookie recipe, i guess.
i’ve been anxious and depressed all my life, and suicidal since i was ten. my mom told me she was the most depressed she had ever been in her life the whole time she was pregnant with me, and i can’t help but wonder, after a mini dive into google about depressed pregnant mothers and the effects on babies, if that might be part of the reason it has always felt like i could never catch a break?
one of the hardest times in my life was when i was at the cusp of my binge-eating disorder, living by myself in minneapolis. i gained around 45 lbs during that time. my eating was fueled by the lack of comfort i felt, finanical stress, and hating myself for even having to be like that in the first place. the first time i ever conciously binged was a few years before that, when my cat, glimmer, was put down at the vet unexpectedly. the only thing that gave me a euphoric experience throughout my grief was eating. i physically couldn’t stop myself, for it was such a good distraction from the pain and loss i was feeling. my heart felt empty, but my stomach was full, so that at least meant something.
it was easier to focus on the smells, textures, taste, and pleasure i got from eating than to deal with the fact that as a quiet, introverted and bullied teenager, that i just lost my best friend, and that i needed help.
i couldn’t sleep in my room, because it was a room we shared. i didn’t go in it for a month, actually, and found myself in my mom’s room, or wedged in a couch in the living room every night.
when i was in minnesota, i reflected on all the worst parts of my life openly with my therapist. to me, she was the only person i had, and then one day our sessions stopped. cut back to my current therapist, i never felt that same sense of security. i never felt like i could really talk about things i wanted to talk about, because i would have to give all this backstory i didn’t want to bring back from the dead and re-acknowledge. i also realized, whenever i went into that office, i felt as if i had to be sad in order for the session to be productive. so i would go in sad, leave sad, and be sad. but i didn’t want to be sad all the time anymore.
i then made the big girl decision, that therapy is not for me right now. around the same time, julianna from keepsake posted this article, which captured a big part of how i was feeling in regards to therapy, and i said to myself — i think therapy is holding me back.
oddly enough, saying goodbye has lifted a weight off of my shoulders. i don’t think i’m perfect, and i know i still have a lot i need to process and acknowledge and grow from in life, but i think i’m just… ready to do it all by myself now. i feel confident in myself. and i know my life can be better, but i have to do it myself. just me, all or nothing.
SO. back to social media again. in the past, therapy and mental health definitely was stigmatized, but now, i feel like there’s this need and desire to showcase how mentally secure you are by letting everyone know you’re in therapy online, and giving applause to people who are in therapy, because it means they’re taking care of their mental health. but what if the way that works best for you is the opposite? does that mean that as a young person, i’m mentally unfit for any relationships in my life because i’m not in therapy? is that one of the many social identities we need to hold on and engrain in a deep part of our personalities? that therapy = good person?
anyways. this went in a few different directions that i didn’t intend. once i stop typing, my mind just spitfires everything i’m thinking in the moment and i can’t stop until i’ve expressed everything i want to say. but.. let’s make some cookies!
i know the first day of fall is technically september 22 this year, but for me (and i’m sure most people) the end of august = summer over and the first of september = fall has begun.
where i live in virginia, the leaves are still green, but the weather fluctuates between scorching and cool, and the sun goes down earlier now. my cats have started shedding their summer coats, and i’ve been shedding my negative summer thoughts (my seasonal depression is during the hotter months) so i figured, what better way to honor the end of a season and the beginning of a new one in this strange, waiting period than a summer x fall recipe?
coming up, i have a lot of hearty fall recipes i want to make this month, and a lot of them include pumpkin, so i hope you guys like pumpkin!
these cookies have a pumpkin-y fall flavor but a summer twist— s’mores. it sort of reminds me of a pumpkin pie/casserole (or sweet potato casserole, i guess) with chocolate. the toasty browned butter, the gooey marshmallow and the warm graham crackers all do these cookies a huge favor in the flavor department. plus, they have chocolate AND caramel. they’re also soft and chewy and so gooey. i also got the idea from georgia of biscotti sundays to use little teddy grahams as the graham crackers in this recipe, because look how CUTE they are?!?!?!?!?!?! you can of course use regular graham crackers, but the cookies might not be as cute. :’-)
i hope you guys enjoy this recipe, and maybe it can help some of you summer lovers in the process of grieving your favorite season and getting excited for the next one all in one bite. <3
pumpkin caramel s’mores cookies
226 g (2 sticks) butter, browned to stage d
340 g all purpose flour
165 g → 80 g canned pumpkin1
165 g brown sugar
110 g granulated sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp pumpkin spice
2 egg yolks
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt
45 g mini marshmallows
75 g crushed graham pieces
150 g chocolate (or however much you’d like)
1 piece soft caramel candies, per cookie2
flaky salt, for garnishing (optional)
line a plate with paper towel and spread pumpkin evenly. cover with another paper towel, and press slightly. let sit and paper towels to absorb excess moisture from the pumpkin, repeating this process with fresh paper towels each time until the pumpkin leaves little to no water on the paper towels and has decreased in moisture/volume by around half (by the time i had pressed the liquid out multiple times, i was left with about 80 g of pressed pumpkin).
preheat oven to 350F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper, set aside.
in a medium saucepan, brown butter to stage d and transfer to a heat-safe bowl. allow to cool in the freezer until slightly until cooler in temperature, but still liquid.
crush graham pieces and prepare your chocolate (if needed) and set aside.
combine cooled browned butter, both sugars, vanilla and salt until combined. then, add in egg yolks one at a time, mixing after each addition. then, mix in the pressed pumpkin and whisk until the mixture goes from gritty to glossy.
fold in flour and baking soda, then add in your choice of chocolate, crushed graham pieces and mini marshmallows.3
to form the cookies, flatten a piece of dough slightly, and envelope a rolled piece of caramel (in a ball) in the middle of the dough, leaving a tiny bit exposed (not fully covered). place the slightly exposed caramel side up, and garnish with more marshmallows, chocolate, and larger graham pieces (if desired).
bake cookies at 350F for 10-12 minutes or until firm around the edges. allow to cool on pan completely and top with flaky salt (optional) before serving. enjoy!
measure 165g pumpkin. 80 g was what remained after pressing out the water. see step 1.
i used the werther’s soft caramels, but you can use any others or make your own! i wouldn’t recommend chewy caramels, they can get too hard at room temperature after baking and stick to your teeth.
it helps to not fully incorporate the flour, then add in your fun additions. this way, we mix in the remaining flour with everything else at once and prevent over-mixing.
okay I'm very serious when I say I love your substack. talking about life + cookies. it warms my heart. <3
Wow wow wow!!!! Thank you for this piece. I recommend reading “the perfectionists guide to losing control” - it has helped me tremendously with moving through the inability to start unless I know where I’m going. Really appreciate your transparency in this piece, sending you hugs ❣️